Depression makes you feel like you're alone in a crowd.

I haven’t blogged much lately. I’ve wanted to, but I just haven’t been able to get organised/haven’t had enough energy/wasn’t quite sure where to start. The past few weeks have been busy and stressful and I was thinking that I would return at the beginning of next week with a fresh start. Then I read The Fear by Sarah at Mum’s the Word and her heartfelt post inspired me to write.

If you had asked me a few weeks ago what an emotional break-down or depression looks like, I probably would have described someone who simply can’t stop crying, someone who is negative about everything or some crazy hysterical woman who flies off the handle at the smallest issue.

In the past weeks, I’ve had to acknowledge that these aren’t the only faces of depression because I am none of these things, but I can no longer deny that I am depressed.

Now that things have reached this stage, I can look back and see all the warning signs. Honestly, the depression itself is a new issue and, because I am dealing with it as soon as it has become a problem, I am hopeful that we will be able help things get back on track without too much trauma. What is more significant is that I have been on the path to this destination for such a very long time and despite the warning signs and despite the times I have told people that everything wasn’t right in my world, I still arrived here. Depressed. Lonely. So very tired and sad. Soul weary.

I’m the kind of person that people expect will simply cope – practical, pragmatic, sensible, no-fuss. I’ve always been organised, a compulsive multi-tasker, punctual, involved. Over the past few years, I have progressively withdrawn from many of my commitments. As I’ve found it harder to keep up with everyday activities, I’ve gradually reduced my volunteer work, removed my name from rosters, helped out less at school.  I’ve gone from multi-tasking to barely managing one task at a time.

I’ve also withdrawn from many of my social groups. I’ve never been the kind of person who is recharged by spending time with large groups of people, but I’ve always invited friends around for lunch on weekends or organised morning teas to catch up.. Now I simply can’t be bothered. It all seems like too much work and besides, having friends over would involve more than the general household tidying, right? That sounds like way too much effort.

I think that’s what I resent the most. That things that I enjoy – spending time with my children, writing, spending time with friends, even reading – often feels like too much effort. Don’t get me wrong, the house is still clean and meals are cooked. I even managed to conquer the ironing pile a little while ago. I just don’t seem to be able to organise myself anymore and I struggle to prioritise things so that I can catch up on the backlog of tasks that I have put aside in my mental lethargy.

If I had to explain my depression, I would describe a cloud in my mind. Thinking clearly is an effort. I have always prided myself on being a clear and organised thinker and I guess I more or less define myself by the way I use my mind, so not being able to think clearly has been a big issue for me. It hasn’t just been a loss of clarity, it’s been a loss of self.

I feel very blessed that I have found help quickly and that I have a few good friends who are being incredibly supportive. My children have been wonderful too. I am getting lots of hugs and their love and encouragement has made a huge difference.

I agree with Sarah’s comment in her The Fear post that depression is something that is misunderstood and a topic that many don’t want to talk about or are uncomfortable talking about, especially when it relates to a specific person. I’ve had my share of people giving me a hug and telling me that everything will be okay if I just get a good night’s sleep and cut back a little on my commitments. Unfortunately, no matter how much sleep I had or how few commitments, the cloud didn’t dissipate. I simply became less and less connected to the world outside my family and home.

Where to from here? I’m not entirely sure. One step at a time, I guess. I’m clearing some of

One step at a time.

the physical clutter, which I think has aggravated my mental clutter in recent years. I’m trying to spend some time thinking about what I want to be a priority in my life. I’m spending time in prayer and I’m trying to spend time with the friends who have stood by me and kept me connected despite myself. I’m giving my children lots of cuddles.

My counsellor suggested that I take time each day to do something just for myself, something that would recharge my emotional and mental batteries. I went out to see Bachelor Girl perform on Tuesday night and bought an insane expensive pair of red sparkly shoes (more about that another time), but I don’t want to get caught up in buying things or going out to make myself feel good. What I’ve decided to do is write. I’m going to making writing a priority again, which it hasn’t been for some time. There always seemed to be something more urgent or important or meaningful that needed to be done. Now, blogging and writing will be what I choose to do for myself simply because it is something I love.

I’ve taken the first step.